it wasn't lemon gatorade
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
