In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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