I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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