Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
