My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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