My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
