did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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