last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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