I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
