Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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