These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my being single is dangerous.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
