well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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