She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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