He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
