Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
