If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
