If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
