I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
