It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
