Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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