I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
