My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
