You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
