I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
