my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
