i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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