My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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