So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
