hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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