A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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