I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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