You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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