Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
