Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
