My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
