Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
