Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
