dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
