toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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