I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
