I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
