just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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