White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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