Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
