My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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