Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
