so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize