My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
