those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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