so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Vodka?
Forever.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
