I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
