Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
