Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
