God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
