don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
