Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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