I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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