guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
