john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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