bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
