Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
